Our romantic ideas of love and relationships might have us believe that getting angry with our partner is a Sign. That anger in the relationship means the relationship’s end is near. That things will never change and we will always stay angry with them.

This is not true. Anger is a part of the human experience, and definitely that of a couple’s experience!

Being angry

There are so many things that your partner might do which would make you angry. Let’s face it, no one is perfect and mistakes will be made, sometimes often. Figuring out what the issue is goes a long way in moving towards some sort of resolution.

Of course, before trying to figure anything out, you need to calm yourself. Take a few deep breaths, move out of the room (in a polite manner, preferably), go for a walk. Then, you need to see if you can identify what your anger is about.

An easy way of looking at it is “he/she made me angry” but that is of no help. It is better if you can pinpoint what exactly happened – not on them, but on the event – and how it made you feel. Usually, we feel start out with one emotion – hurt, frustration, fear etc. – and this leads to anger. Identifying and communicating the feeling behind the anger will help move towards resolution and would lead to better understanding between you both.

Remember, anger is a choice we make. That’s why the same situation can make one person get very angry while another might not get affected. So keep in mind that you are choosing to get angry over this situation. Taking responsibility for your anger is important.

An angry partner

And so, your partner will also get angry with you. Don’t jump to being defensive or getting angry back. Don’t tell them to calm down either. Be supportive, stay calm, let them have their say (as long as it is not abusive). This is their moment of emotion, and making it about you might serve to escalate things.

Listen to them. Rather than focusing on the fact that they are angry, it would be better to try to understand what is making them angry.

Be vulnerable when it is time. Apologise.

The Safety Net

Usually, when there is anger involved, it is not only one person, but both, who might be angry. Even at the heights of such emotion, keep a safety net within the relationship – keep to the boundaries, don’t say things you know will hurt the other person, argue with respect. This safety net will see you both through the angry times. 

Go ahead, get angry, argue. But Safely.

If you or your partner is finding it difficult to manage anger and prevent it from hurting the other person, speaking to an unbiased and objective person, like a counsellor, can help.